Charlie's a Fool
by bookworm835
Summary: In British terms, a sod is an unpleasant person, a bird is a young woman or girlfriend, and a charlie is a fool. But of course, everyone on the bloody island already knew that Charlie was a fool. One-shot, CC fluff! Please RR!


**Title: **Charlie's a Fool  
**Author: **bookworm835  
**Rating:** PG-13 to be safe. Why? Dunno. Romancey stuff, I suppose, a little violence (the funny kind, though) and _language_. Also a very perverted Sawyer.  
**Category(s): **Humor/Romance  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own Lost blah blah blah. :sniffle: Do you have to remind me? I want to own Charlie. He must be aaaaaall mine. Ehem. Anyways, I got the definition from WordPerfect Volume 11 just looking through the dictionary/thesaurus. And I do not own WordPerfect either.  
**Summary: **In British terms, a sod is an unpleasant person, a bird is a young woman or girlfriend, and a charlie is a fool. But of course, everyone on the bloody island already knew that Charlie was a fool. One-shot, CC fluff! Please RR!  
**Spoilers:** None, really, at least I don't think so... but a few quotes from here and there, particularly "Special". The fight between Charlie and Sawyer was so hilarious and the name-calling was brilliant! I'm still looking for an excuse to use the word "ponce" somewhere. Hehe. Oh, and a little bit from Confidence Man.  
**A/N: **Yes, I'm serious! A charlie is a fool. Also a drug (but not heroin - but still a drug!). Was it just coincedence? I dunno. Maybe not... ;) I was working on a totally different story (I might get it posted sometime later) and I looked up in the thesaurus "char". Then, a little bit below it, I saw "charlie"... and of course I had to check it out. Well, when I found out what charlie meant, I just HAD to write this! Tried to make it funny. Did it work? This is sometime between "Confidence Man" and the end of "Raised by Another". That explains why Claire remembers everything and everybody is HAPPY:D Hehe.

* * *

**charlie** **noun **(pl. **charlies**) informal **1** Brit. a fool. **2 **cocaine.

-

_In British terms, a sod is an unpleasant person._

"Sawyer."

"Well, look who it is. The has-been pop star come from Cave Town to deprive me of my peace. What is it, shorty?"

Charlie glared, sighing. This wasn't going to be easy. Relax, he thought. He needed to stay on Sawyer's good side. Deep breaths, Charlie. Easy there. "I... I need something from you."

Sawyer grinned, pulling off his cheap plastic sequinned sunglasses. "Whoa-ho," he drawled, obviously enjoying this. He sat up and spread his arms out wide, motioning towards his stash. "Well, what do you need, Limey?" He gave a wry chuckle. "After all... what's mine is yours. At least, whatever I don't want is yours. You must be pretty desperate if you're crawling to _me_, of all people, scruff."

Deeeeep, deep breaths. In, out, in, out, out - shit, I mean in -

Pfft, Limey. Well, he was a southern pervert.

"Peanut butter."

Sawyer sat there for a moment, his mouth slightly open, then he let out a loud, snorting guffaw.

Bloody hell. Well, he had known it wasn't going to be easy. "I'm serious, Sawyer! I need peanut butter. Claire's probably getting bored with the whole pretending thing with the empty jar and -"

"Hold on there, half pint. Claire, the fat girl?"

"Don't you _dare_ call her fat, she's pregnant, she's beautiful," Charlie hissed through gritted teeth.

"Claire, the Aussie you've been obsessing over since she fainted on the beach?"

"I have not -"

"That stretch mark on legs? You just want to whisk her away and ride off into the sunset together on your little white pony, don't you? You want to be the hero."

"Shut up!"

"She prob'ly makes you horny, don't she? That's why you're trying to charm her. You just wanna get in her pants."

Well, fuck the nice guy approach. Oh wait, no, bad word to go with what Sawyer was suggesting. Erm, the hell with the nice guy approach. The hell with staying on Sawyer's good side!

Charlie lunged, cursing loudly, snarling like a wild animal. Sawyer, who must've been expecting this, shoved back and they fell on top of each other, rolling around, kicking up sand, their vision lost in a flurry of punches and kicks so that all they could see through the dust were fists and feet, flailing around wildly. They yelled and swore loudly, Charlie in particular.

"_Just give me any bloody peanuts you got and I'll go!_" he shouted, feeling his fist come in contact with Sawyer's jaw.

Sawyer kicked Charlie hard in an - ehem - not-very-pleasant spot. Charlie howled, his cry a mix of pain and absolute rage.

"_There!_" Sawyer yelled back. "_Now the goddamn peanuts won't do you any good, will they?_"

"_Shut up! Shut up, shut up, I'm not doing this so I can have sex with Claire! Just shut up and GIVE ME THE PEANUTS!_"

By now a small crowd had gathered around the pair as they tumbled around but no one stopped the brawl. In fact, they seemed rather amused by it all. A few had laughed when Charlie had gotten kicked. Finally, Jack elbowed through them all and grabbed whoever was closest by the hair, trying to drag him away from the other.

He had grabbed Sawyer.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sawyer screamed in Jack's face, spit flying. Sawyer punched Jack too. A few more laughs. Kate gasped and half-frowned, half-grinned, giggling. As much as she hated seeing Jack hurt, this was pretty damn funny. Besides, a_ three_-person fight was already getting messy. Imagine what would happen with four people! Kate giggled more.

At first, Jack tried to break it up.

"Come on, where is fighting gonna get us?" he cried loudly.

Pow. Kick.

"OWW! DEMMIT!"

Never mind the keeping-the-peace deal.

Jack punched back, missing Sawyer and hitting Charlie. Charlie angrily aimed his revenge back at Jack but missed and hit Sawyer. Sawyer hit both Jack and Charlie at once. Charlie's lip began to bleed. They tumbled all over each other, a tangled mess of arms and legs.

There was faint, scattered laughter from a few more people in the crowd.

Kick. Punch. Twist, miss, try again, whack. Kick. Kick. Bite. Punch. Bite again.

"AHH! YOU ANIMAL, KEEP YOUR TEETH TO YOURSELF!"

"OOF, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN', DOC?"

"GET OFF ME, YOU BLOODY BASTARD!"

"ME? THEN GET YOUR FOOT OFF OF MY ASS!"

"SICK, THAT'S JUST WRONG, KEEP YOUR ARSE AWAY FROM ME!"

"STOP, THIS ISN'T GETTING US ANYWHERE, STOP!"

"NOW I HAVE TO DISINFECT MY FOOT!"

"YOUR FOOT? YOU NASTY LITTLE STREET URCHIN, TALK ABOUT MY ASS!"

"I SAID WE'VE GOT - TO - STOP! WE DON'T HAVE ANY DISINFECTANT ANYWAYS!"

"WHO CARES? ALL LOVER BOY HERE IS WORRYING ABOUT ARE HIS PEANUTS AND HIS NUTS!"

"BLOODY HELL, I TOLD YOU THOSE AREN'T MY INTENTIONS, YOU - YOU - _YOU FRIGGIN' SOD_!"

-

_In British terms, a bird is a young woman or girlfriend._

"Claire."

"Charlie, you silly boy, what happened to you?"

Smiling sheepishly, sighing, Charlie knelt down next to Claire, his still-infected toes buried deep in the soft, yellow sand. A piece of gauze was taped to his forehead and he had a black eye. He gave a feeble attempt to hide his bruises by wearing his bluish-black hoodie. God, he was hot in the sun in that stupid sweatshirt.

Rubbing his bashed nose, Charlie shrugged. "Erm... I sorta got in a little tussle."

"You? Oh, Charlie, you're such an dummy!" She grinned, adjusting her sun hat, stretching around her swollen belly. "With who, over what? Are you just trying to give me a heart attack? You're going to be the death of us both, Charlie! You're nothing but a cheeky little dunce!" She laughed lightly.

Scrunching up his face, Charlie replied, "Uhh, with Sawyer, over you I guess, in a way, and... no!" He smiled cheekily, looking slightly skeptical. "And I'm more than just a 'cheeky dunce', Claire!"

Giggling, she challenged, "Yeah? What else are you, then?"

"Umm..." He thought. What else _was_ he? "I'm... a rock god!... and an' ex-druggie who's proud to say he's clean now. I'm a survivor of fate itself. I'm madly in love with an angel. And I'm a true fool!" he ended brightly.

She shook her head, her golden hair lifting in gentle curls around her face in a slight breeze. Charlie had never seen a more beautiful bird in all his life. She said, "A fool _is_ a dunce, Charlie! That just goes to show how much of a dunce - you - are." She giggled again and punched his shoulder playfully.

"Ow. Careful, luv, still a bit tender." He smiled. Stupid hoodie was distracting him. Her too. He watched her eyes follow a bead of sweat that trailed down his temple. How fun. Sweat racing. Hmm, Charlie betted that the second drop would make it to his chin first. She sighed. Oh no, was he boring her? What a fool he was! Er, dunce. He quickly swiped his forehead with his sleeve.

"Claire, I -"

"You know what else you are, Charlie?" she asked, her voice suddenly softer, sweeter, smoother. Like peanut butter, mmm, extra creamy, he thought.

"An idiot?" Charlie tried.

She stretched her arm out, her fingertips brushing across his hand. "Well, that too," she replied, her perfect lips curled into that peanut-buttery-filled-goodness grin. "But you're in love with an angel, and that angel just might some day deliver you from the evils of this godforsaken island."

He twitched. But it was a good twitch, nervous perhaps, but an eager nervousness. He put his fingernail between his teeth and chewed on it. "Really now? Well then, I'll be waiting... to be found by my sweet, sweet angel."

Blinking slowly, smiling, Claire tentatively reached out and grabbed his finger out of his mouth. She squeezed his hand and leaned in a little closer, trying to act like she was simply stretching, or maybe just shifting her position in the sand. She cleared her throat absent-mindedly and shyly looked up at the sky. She cleared her throat again, rather pointedly, flicking sand about with her bare feet.

Charlie, rubbing his sweaty cheek up and down and up again, replied with a nervous, awkward cough. It was too - damn - hot. "S-sorry, Claire, love, I've got to go. I'll... ah... see you around." He slipped his hand out of hers and left her sitting there rather heartbroken and upset.

She pouted sadly. "Charlie-dear, come back!" she called in her best baby-talk voice. He shook his head.

"Umm," was his only reply. Then he made to scurry off. She sniffed. What a dunce, what a fool. She sighed loudly.

He turned and mumbled, stammering, blushing, twitching, shaking, "I really l-l-like you, Claire, you're absolutely buh-beautiful, really. You're such a brilliant bird, really, you are." His face burning hotter than ever, he muttered a hasty "bye" and rushed off.

Claire glanced back at him, not sure whether to smile or to frown. She tilted her sun hat down over her eyes and leaned against her little makeshift chair, opening her diary and grabbing a pen. She opened to her bookmarked page.

_Dear Diary,_

_"Still on the bloody island. Today I swallowed a bug. Love, Claire." Charlie_

She doodled little blue-inked hearts around Charlie's name without realizing it. She took a deep breath and when she looked back down at her journal, the whole page was dotted with the tiny hearts. She drew a little bug and what she thought, in her _humble opinion_, what was a very sad excuse for a shaggy-haired, broad-nosed, big-eared, blonde British boy.

She sucked on the tip of her pen thoughtfully then went onto a clean page.

_Sometimes I wonder why I like that Charlie boy! He's so silly and foolish - very naive. Oh well, I suppose I can be all that too. I wonder what his serious side is like? I wonder if I want to know? He's _too _sweet. What is his secret, besides the drugs? He's hiding something else, something much deeper and more painful, I can see it in his eyes. I know absolutely _everyone_ on this island has skeletons in their closet. He's no exception._

_Still, I wonder if I should still try for him? I thought I heard from Kate that Charlie was a "rock god" and he confirmed that today when I called him a dunce. Well, _I'm_ the dunce, calling a man like _that_ a 'dummy'. Really, what was I thinking? Out of all the guys in the world, I get Charlie Pace the rock god and all I can say is "You're such a dunce!" Ha. But... I thought rock gods were slutty! No offense, Charlie, sweet. Is that just a famous-rocker-stereotype? He seems sort of scared of me sometimes. Charlie makes me wonder. About things. A lot of things. For instance... does he love me? And - a question that has been bothering me even more - do I love him?_

_I tried to get close to him today, maybe even kiss him, but he moved away. Was he avoiding me? I'm so scared that he'll hurt me like Thomas did and yet he seems so different from Tom. Maybe not. Maybe it's another disguise - and that's his secret. No, I don't want to believe it. I won't. I'll give him a chance if he gives me one. He told me in his exact words that he really liked me and that I was beautiful. Am I beautiful? And what if he only _likes_ me, like he said?_

_Anyhow, the baby will need a father, I don't care what the psychic said, he was probably a nutcase anyways. He can be raised by more than just me... and I'm wondering if Charlie might be the one for the job. Am I going insane? Charlie, the bumbling, twitchy, ex-druggie rock god, a father? I'm not sure. Maybe, maybe, maybe._

_I'll give him a chance if he gives me one._

_Love,_

_Claire._

_P.S. Why in heaven's name did Charlie call me a bird?_

-

_In British terms, a charlie is a fool._

"Charlie."

Charlie blinked and quickly looked up. He had scrambled back to the caves and immediately ripped his hoodie and t-shirt off, panting, getting odd glances from the pretty Korean lady Sun and the snotty blonde fish girl Shannon.

Now Kate stood above him, smirking slightly. She sniggered.

"Huh, what?" he said, dragging his palm from his hot forehead down his face, pulling the skin underneath with it, making an unintentionally rude face.

"My God. You been working out?" Kate asked. More sniggers. They sounded muffled, as if she was trying to hold it in. Which she was.

He grinned broadly. "What, you think I look muscly or sum'n?" He foolishly hopped up and struck a pose, looking hopeful.

Kate's eyes scrunched up in absolute glee. "Nope, just sweaty," she replied. Then she burst out in laughter. She stopped abruptly when Charlie wilted on the spot, literally flopping over onto a rock then slipping sideways with an almost inaudible "ow" noise. He simply lay there on his side in the dirt without moving, only blinking comically. He sighed very loudly.

Kate's freckled face flushed. "Charlie, what's wrong?" she asked concernedly, kneeling next to the unmoving man who still lay pathetically in the dirt.

He sighed again.

She raised her eyebrows. "Well, are you going to tell me or am I going to have to beat it out of you... like Sawyer and Jack did today?" She smiled gently and pulled him into a sitting position against the rock.

"Ugh, Kate, don't say that. Don't remind me. Please."

She giggled. "What, you upset that a doctor beat the crap outta _you_, the so-called 'rock god'?"

"Seriously!" He pouted. Kate "aww"ed. He shook his head, sticking his scarred lip out further. "No, Kate, _se-ri-ous-ly_. I'm not in the mood." He sniffled in a way that did not sound very serious at all. But Kate held in the giggles.

"Alrighty then." Kate stuck her tongue between her teeth. "What has made you - uh, 'not-in-the-mood'? Go on, you can tell me."

"Um..." He shifted uncomfortably. "Well, uh, I was talking to Claire and I think I made her mad."

Kate nodded knowingly. "How so? Start at the beginning."

Charlie crossed his arms across his chest, sliding down like a sulky schoolboy. "Y'see, the reason why I got in a fight with Sawyer in the first place was 'cause I was looking for something for Claire."

"Mm. What were you looking for?" Well. All Kate needed was some half-moon glasses and a clipboard and she could be a damn good shrink.

Charlie mumbled, "Pnit bttr."

Kate smiled. "Sorry, what was that?"

Another sigh. Then a deep breath. "Peanut butter."

Stifling more giggles, Kate continued. "Yes? And what did Sawyer say?"

Charlie frowned bitterly. "The bloody bastard said - well, he said -" Charlie's ears turned bright, bright scarlet. "Um, well, he said some stuff about me an' Claire. So then I sort of... you know, got mad. It's expected, though, right? So then Mr. Hero Jack has to come along and interupt so then HE gets involved. So then I go to Claire peanut-butterless all beat up. I was so _stupid_ and tried to cover it up with my hoodie, you know? But it's hot today so I got really distracted. Then she started saying all this sweet mushy lovey stuff and got real close and grabbed my hand and I got nervous and sweatier and -"

"Wait, wait." Kate could hardly stand this. She was grinning from ear to ear delightfully. This was so _priceless!_ Charlie sounded like he was twelve. "Wait. So. Claire _held your hand_?"

He scowled. "Yeah... why?"

She innocently looked away, batting her eyelashes. "Oh, no reason, no reason..."

"Bloody hell." His scowl turned back into the bitter frown. "And so I got all jittery and sweaty and hot and - and I ran off! I can't believe it. _I - ran - off_. I could tell she was upset. I could see it in her eyes. I could see it. So then I got scareder."

"Scareder. Ah, uh-huh. But... Charlie, do you _like_ Claire?"

He blinked, his entire face going red this time, not just his, uh, rather large ears. "W-what do you mean?" he asked, trying to act dumb.

Well, in a way, he _is_ sort of dumb, Kate mused cheerfully. "You know," she said mischievously. "Do you _li-i-ike_ her?"

He shrugged casually enough. "Uh, sure, sure," he said. He twitched and shoved his fingernail back in his mouth.

"Do you wanna kiss her?"

Long, long pause. Charlie blinked several times, blushing furiously. "Uhh -"

Kate smiled. "Good." Then she ran out.

"Kate? _Kate_?" Charlie called after her. She didn't come back for at least a quarter hour. He sat there, chewing all his black-nail-polished fingernails off, staring blankly at the wall. He got a few more odd glances from Sun and Shannon. Then Kate came back. With Claire.

Charlie stared up at Claire (she no longer had her sunhat on) for a few moments then jumped up and looked away. "Er, hi Claire," he mumbled.

"Hi," she said sweetly, understandingly. She very suddenly grasped his hand without hesitation. Charlie watched Kate convince everyone in the caves to move out. Charlie wondered what she was saying to all of them to make them run out so hurriedly, all chuckling under their breath. Finally, when Kate had convinced Shannon to move (she had been the hardest to coax out), the two walked out, Shannon rolling her eyes, Kate smiling uncontrollably big.

"Erm" was all Charlie could think of to say. He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand and looked away. At least he wasn't sweaty anymore.

"Charlie, Kate told me everything," Claire said, grabbing his other hand too.

"E-everything? Everything about... what?"

The wind seemed to stop and the world seemed to hold its breath as Claire whispered, "This." She leaned in closer and pressed her lips to his. Surprised, he stood stiffly for a moment, rooted on the spot, his eyes wide. Then he relaxed but something caught his eye.

Then everyone who had been in the caves emerged from outside, cheering loudly, all laughing, Kate in the front. Jack stood next to Kate and Sawyer stood next to Jack. Charlie saw a small package in Sawyer's hand. It was a tiny plastic bag that was labeled **PEANUTS**. Claire was smiling into Charlie's mouth. Suddenly, Charlie yanked away and the whole crowd gathered around the cave entrance gave a little gasp.

Claire worriedly watched Charlie. "What's wrong, Charlie?" she asked, her eyes wide and frightened.

He gingerly fingered the scar on his lip. "Ow. Sorry 'bout that."

The whole crowd all gave one relieved sigh, Claire included. "Oh Charlie, you're such a fool!" she said brightly. Then she kissed him again.

* * *

**Awwww, wasn't that precious? Sorry, not really, the ending was very cheesy. And just so you know, I have NO CLUE how to do kissy scenes so that's why it really sucked! XD Hope it was still cute, though. Hehe. Reviews please!**


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